changes

i didn't expect my life would change a complete 360. 

now i couldn't fit into my old clothes because my boobs are too big. my thighs...sigh..we'll work that out later. 

and even my shoes...NOOOOOO

but you know what? it doesn't matter. 

what matters is my baby is healthy and well.

so what if i have stretchmarks the size of russia. 

my body had been amazing carrying my precious son. it deserves some credit. if people are going to remark on my new weight gain, then they should just stuff their tongue down their throat (woah..getting a bit emo there). 

but seriously, some people i came across had been quite insensitive. "EH YOU GAINED WEIGHT A LOT EH", yeah..i gained 20 over kg during my pregnancy, it's not like it'll disappear overnight. what am i?HARRY POTTER?

"EH YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE CARRYING ANOTHER BABY (jabs at my tummy)". umm..yeah..i seriously didn't know the tummy was the worst part of having to come terms with the new body changes, it's so hard to shed, and what more with me having a c-sect it's even worse because my confinement lady won't even massage my tummy. 

GROANS. 

eh please lah. give these new mums a break. they're not only trying to adjust to a new lifestyle where you get NO SLEEP at all because baby wakes up every two hours. they are also under immense stress having to come terms with their new body. 

you pandai cakap you go and have a baby see how fast you can slim down balik. 

of BIRTH

i had a baby two months ago. i had him on 12th November 2014.

it was a traumatic experience for me. i didn't get to have a normal delivery i hoped for. my husband couldn't be there in the room holding my hand and witness the birth of our son. i had to undergo a Cesarean section. an emergency c-section; because i had cord prolapse.

when we came to the hospital, i thought it was only a false alarm. i just turned exactly 38 weeks that day. i had dinner with my bestfriend that evening. i went to the office that day. i was confident i had another 2 weeks at my expense. i just had a tiff with my husband about him being late. i went to bed annoyed.

i woke up at 2am to pee. i noticed a trickle of clear liquid down my thigh. i called my mum who frantically told me to go to the hospital. i woke up my husband. he was cranky and not in a good mood. we were sullen most of the way to the hospital. i was so sure it was a false alarm, that we'd go back home after everything checks through and i'll be able to eat roti canai for breakfast.

NYETTT

the nurse told me to lie on the bed in their observation room. she monitored my contractions and my baby's heartbeat while waiting for the doctor to come. my contractions were getting even more intense but i thought to myself, MEH.. i can handle this shiz.

the doctor came. a female chinese doctor. she looked tired. she told me to lie and began her doctor-ish examination. then she told me "puan, you're 4cm (or was it 8?i don't remember) dilated already". and she broke my water. then came the panic.

WE HAVE A CORD PROLAPSE SITUATION HERE. GET THEM TO GET READY THE OT. PUAN, YOU HAVE A CORD PROLAPSE. YOU CANNOT HAVE A NORMAL DELIVERY. WE MUST OPERATE NOW.

it happened so fast i didn't have time to digest what she was saying. all the while her two fingers were still inside my V to stop the baby from whooshing out.

nurses came in droves. they pulled out my clothes. forms of consent given for me to sign. changed me into operation attire. it was like ER. and i was still wondering what the hell is cord prolapse?

my husband was outside. he didn't even know of the calamity that was happening inside this room.

they wheeled me out to the OT. the female doctor jumped onto the stretcher with me. fingers still inside me. SUPER AWKWARD.

my husband started panicking. he held my hand all the way. i didn't even have the chance to say i was sorry for being annoyed last evening. he wanted to go into the OT with me. they stopped him. ENCIK you have to wait outside.

and then they gave that General Anesthesia thingy, it looks like a nebulizer. the OT is small. but all staff were female. Alhamdulillah. BREATHE IN PUAN BREATHE IN. OKKKKK. wait. i forgot to say a little prayer. what if i don't wake up??

and then i conked out.